WTF Rating- 5
Writing Rating- 3
Overall Rating- 3.5 out of 5 Stars
Yes. Yes you read that title right. Welcome back to my foray in the world of Bizarro Literature. I’ve given you all quite a break since my review way back when with “Shatnerquake”. I wanted to reel you all in before I started to get REAL wacky! Lol! So, I will start with a warning… Those who are easily offended or grossed out, those who don’t like very graphically inappropriate scenes… THIS BOOK IS NOT FOR YOU!! But, if you want a good laugh, a VERY interesting concept and you don’t need things to be incredibly logical… Or at all logical.. WELCOME!
It’s difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead.
Steve is madly in love with his eccentric girlfriend, Stacy. Unfortunately, their sex life has been suffering as of late, because Steve is worried about the odd noises that have been coming from Stacy’s pubic region. She says that her vagina is haunted. She doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. Steve, on the other hand, completely disagrees.
When a living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex, Stacy learns that her vagina is actually a doorway to another world. She persuades Steve to climb inside of her to explore this strange new place. But once inside, Steve finds it difficult to return… especially once he meets an oddly attractive woman named Fig, who lives within the lonely haunted world between Stacy’s legs.
Again. Yes. You read that right. This is a book about a woman who has a gateway to another world in her vagina, and she would like her boyfriend to climb up there and explore in for her. This is NOT a euphemism! I mean she wants him to unclothe, lube up, and crawl in there to find out what is haunting her womb. Didn’t I warn you that if you’re easily grossed out you may not want to read this?? How many ladies out there are crossing their legs right at this moment?? 😉
“Where the heck are those noises coming from?” I asked Stacy one evening. She blinked herself awake. “Huh?”
“I hear voices. Coming from the walls,” I said.
“Oh . . .” she said.
“I’m serious,” I said.
“That’s not coming from the walls,” she said. “It’s coming from me.” “From you?”
“From inside me,” she said, pulling off the covers and pointing at her crotch. I snorted at her.
“Listen,” she said, pulling my head into her lap and pressing my ear against her vagina.
It was like listening to the ocean in a hairy flesh seashell.
“You’re playing!” I said.
She giggled. It was all a joke.
But then I heard it . . . A voice, inside of her. I couldn’t understand the words. A woman crying, babbling in a deranged language. Then she screamed into my ear and I jumped out from between Stacy’s legs.
My girlfriend laughed at me, squinting her dark brown eyes.
“What the hell!” I screamed.
“Told you!” she said.
“What is that?”
“A ghost,” she said.
“I’m haunted,” she said, touching her vagina and smiling.
“How did a ghost get in there?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “It’s been in there for a long time now.”
I will say that Stacy is very unlikable. She is whiny and demanding and eats her food strangely, but that’s ok, because we really only need her for her vagina anyway! (wow, never going to be able to say THAT ONE ever again!)
There are definitely moments that had me laughing. Maybe all the time I’ve spent in the city had me thinking of similar things happening to me. Like the description of Donut, the angry homeless man.
“Donut happened to be the worst of them. He was a stocky black guy with a bright orange sweater who strolled around Pioneer Square. He wouldn’t ask me for change outright. First, he would ask me if I had a problem with black people. I would say no. He would then ask me for money. Then I would give it to him, as if that was proof that I truly did not have a problem with black people. He would follow me for a block and ask for a little more. I would give him whatever I had, even a dollar or two. Then he’d ask for a little more. If I ever refused him, he would call me a racist.
He’d say, “Oh, I see now, you’re a skinhead. Well, sieg heil, skinhead!” He’d continue yelling at me until I was two blocks away. “Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!”
Now, I know that I rated this a 5 on the WTF meter… But, it’s actually a well put together story for Bizarro. There have been some that I’ve read that are so nonsensical that they’re trying TOO hard to be bizarre! (those who have read bizarro before will probably understand what I mean). This story was completely bizzare while actually making a strange amount of sense and building a pretty good story! I would really recommend it to those brave enough to branch out and give bizarro a chance!
For Those Brave Enough… Click a Link Below to get a Copy for Yourself!!! SERIOUSLY!! DO IT!!
The Haunted Vagina is Best Served With
A Wet Pussy Shot
Well, you’re lucky that I’m giving you the recipe for this drink… As I don’t know what the Google God’s would send you to if you tried to look it up. So, you’re welcome. Ha ha! That is, if you were brave enough to read this review to begin with and you haven’t un-followed me by now!!
- 1 Part Gin
- 1 Part Vodka
- 1 Part Peach Scnapps
- 1 Part Coconut Rum
- 1 Part Cranberry Juice
- Put all ingredients in a shaker of ice
- Shake to mix and chill well
- Pour into shot glasses