Welcome to Shark Week here! Join me all week for Shark infested Fun!!
5 out of 5 Stars on the WFT Scale
2 out of 5 Stars on the Sane and Proper Writing Scale
Overall Rating 3.5 out of 5 Stars
The Land of 10,000 Lakes is about to become the Land of 10,000 Deaths!
After years of saving, Tess is finally able to move into her dream home: a gorgeous house in the wealthiest neighborhood in Minneapolis, right across from Lake Harriet. But something vicious has moved into the lake at the same time, and the housewarming party is going to be brutal.
When the remains of missing neighbors start floating to the surface, Tess has to decide whether to go head-to-head against the fangs and tentacles of the creatures lurking in the lake or take shelter in her new home.
Unfortunately, the enemy may be even closer than she thinks.
Well, let me just start by saying HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!! What did I just read?!? This book was ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!! I have no idea if that’s what the author intended… which is what made this so difficult to review. But, if you want some B-movie style writing with some Grindhouse style gore, YOU’VE SOME TO THE RIGHT PLACE!! The dialogue was pretty terrible,
“Finally, he spoke. “Well, that’s just great, Tess. Just great.”
“You are the best, Randall!” she shouted awkwardly.
“Tess, I love you.” She gave him a serious kiss. He reciprocated at first, but whatever it was that had gotten into him forced him to pull away and cross his arms. Tess tried not to get angry, but she was definitely not in the mood for this baby shit.”
With some absolutely unnecessary gore, (but, when is gore unnecessary?? Ha ha!)
“The creature released Doctor Gus’s ankles and pressed down on the man’s back with its hand fins. Vertebrae snapped. His sides split open in perfect lines from hips to armpits. Despite the best efforts of his ribcage, his insides burst through the seams. They painted the blacktop in reds and yellows and browns. The creature clenched the tips of its hand fins together and jammed them in the holes, clogging them so no more innards could escape that way. Then it stepped onto Doctor Gus’s back, massaging the guts up the elderly man’s throat to his mouth.”
With a lot of WTF moments,
“She should have known that something would come to take it away. If not the bank, then a fucking slimy fish monster. Randall walked inside with Naomi in tow. He deposited the old woman on the couch next to Tess and then ran to his music room. Moments later, he reappeared with two guitar cases and an ear-to-ear grin. “Are you going to riff the lake creature to death, Randall?” “Tess, I may have misled you about the number of guitars I own.” Randall cracked open the guitar cases to reveal a pair of assault rifles. “What the fuck, Randall?” Tess asked as Naomi’s weepy eyes lit up.”
“One officer, a tall, skinny woman with a hook for a hand and a ponytail that held maybe six strands of near-translucent hair—not unlike the lake monster’s fins—stepped in and jabbed the pile with the butt of her rifle.”
And, some great B-Movie one liners!
“Well what the hell do we do now?” another cop asked. The kicking cop hiked up blood-soaked pants and grinned. “Fish fry.”
Tess was a horrible, unlikable character. She only cares about her “dream house” and has no feelings for any one (including her live-in boyfriend) and treats them all like crap, and as people start dying all she seems to think about is her depreciating property values. But, there were A LOT of laughs and if this was ever made into a movie it would ABSOLUTELY make it into my collection!!!!
If you need a mindless, silly beach read. This is a GREAT option!! O.K So, the creature are not EXACTLY sharks…. funny enough they never really figure out (or even TRY to) what they are. They seem to be some weird mix of a shark, a squid and a crocodile… I felt like it still counted!
Pick up your Copy HERE!
Lake Lurkers is Best Served with a WTF IS That?! Cocktail
Well, this is one of my own invention. I wanted it to be dark and foreboding, with some weird ingredients…. but, still taste good! This one in too sweet for MY tastes. But, the flavours definitely go together!
- 1/2 oz Blue Curacoa
- 1oz Coconut Rum
- Top with a Chocolate-y Stout
- Well, just like it sounds… add the Blue Curacao and Rum
- Top with the Stout